Band 6
A real candidate answer at Band 6, with every examiner correction marked on it. 32 corrections.
Band 6 answers communicate clearly. What holds them at 6 rather than 7 is usually consistency: the good sentences are good, and the weak ones are still frequent.
This is the band where progress feels slowest, because the obvious errors are gone and what remains is harder to see without someone pointing at it.
Click any highlighted word to see the correction. The commentary at the foot of the page explains what holds the answer at this band overall.
The task
Read it before you read the answer, because Task Achievement is judged against this.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Education is very important. How can children who are disinterested in study be motivated to learn?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
The answer
Reproduced exactly as written, errors included.
Living in the competitive world, better education higher . the education in children, especially the who not like studying, is a problem for industry in .
When child is too young to understand the importance of studying, it is to have the motivation. At early stage, in junior primary school for example, a little discipline is necessary. Though like reading and counting maybe not as interesting as watching cartoons, spending some time on these subjects should be compulsory. These measures will give them the ability to enjoy learning activities , when they more confident to explore .
However, to increase the in studying, the most is encouragement, especially in senior primary school and secondary school, when the children need to expand their knowledge dramatically. Most are disinterested in learning because of . If an enviroment is provided, they in studying and enjoy the feeling of achievement, hence will be motivated to learn more. In consequence, a better education level can be expected.
Moreover, does not have to be boring, it can be fun. For young children, knowledge can be cartoons. The Blue Cat series is a successful in China, is educational program enjoyed by many children in China. In order to get better children, knowledge can be delivered via children's favourite cartoon characters. For the teenager, the idols in the entertainment industry play a big role [this could have been combined with the following sentence with 'and as such'[/expand]. They should be encouraged to send the correct messages to their fans.
In conclusion, compulsory education is necessary at an early stage of studying, while and teaching in more entertaining ways are extremely important.
(310 words)
Examiner comments
The overall verdict, criterion by criterion.
At 310 words, this is longer than the ideal range of 260 to 280 words. Although this is not directly a problem, it does give the examiner more chances of finding errors or penalising you for not being sufficiently concise.
There is a mix of different levels of vocabulary where a more formal vocabulary should be used throughout (avoid words like 'boring').
An example is provided to demonstrate the point in the third paragraph (the Blue Cat series) but the writer has not given other examples for the first two paragraphs, and the topic sentence, development and support are not always clear.
The essay often uses dogmatic statements that are not always true and would be better modified slightly ('every county' > 'most countries')
However, the essay is relevant to the topic and the use of linking words is generally accurate and varied.
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