The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
The mark of a successful person is to be wealthy and have a successful career.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Nowadays, both education and experience are regarded as useful for success , two seperate clauses cannot be joinged with a comma – either a full stop or semi colon ( ; ) some people say that education is much better than experience, while others think that experience is much more useful, thus many people have different ideologies concerning the matter of jobs for younger students. So thus delete ‘thus’ these both ‘both these’ views will now be discussed.
Firstly, let's speak about this is too conversational for Task II – it needs to be more formal academic education. Almost eighty percent of the delete this people believe that education is needed to pursue a good career avoid using random, unsupported statistics, and thus this linking word is being overused in this essay the result of ‘as a result’ many youngsters are given academic education, be it at home or school. Education is said to be the source of power; if a person has good ‘a good’ education and is very literate, then wealth and respect is always this it too strong – it is not always there there for him. ‘Knowledge is power’, is a very famous quote, it is easily understandable don’t use generic quotations in Task II, it means that education and literacy always this is too strong – ‘often’ gives you avoid personalisation – change to ‘a person’ wealth and respect. So thus delete – repetition education is very useful and so it promises a very successful life.Then comes the argument of experience, you can’t combine two indpeend clauses with a comma – either use a semi colon or start a new sentence again experience is also a very useful thing avoid empty language like ‘thing’ – change to ‘quality’ or ‘tool’, which is seen and counted delete this – it is overly longamong employers. The jobs which offer the most most what? Be specific – money, opportunities, fulfillment require, usually, a minimum of at least 4-8 years experience, again, avoid random statistics so thus repetition many youngsters and teenagers are given the experience of work, so that later on they don't avoid abbreviations in Task II – write the full words (do not)have trouble in seeking jobs, later this has already been said at the begining of the sentence. So normally experience too gives aid for this is not commonly used in this context – ‘can support’ people who need a job, and makes ‘can make’ a good combination with education.
Lastly I would just like to say that too informal both education and both experience are good and useful in their own way, and our are not better than each other, they are equally good, and make an extremely useful combination a lot of repetition here.(281 words)
Comments:
The word count is good, but the main problem is that the writer has not addressed the topic. The Task required a response about whether success can be measured by having wealth and a good career, but the writer has focused on education and experience. Some sentences also need to be presented in a more formal manner (‘First, let’s speak about….’)
There are errors with punctuation that make the essay difficult to follow at times (such as the first line of the introduction).
The essay also needs more examples to support the points made in the paragraphs.
However, some good vocabulary has been used.